Hello, readers!



I thought I'd make a journal since everyone needs a place where to vent their feelings to or maybe just talk about their day. Maybe I will be posting updates here from time to time trying to improve my writing, but you know time will tell.



I really hate it when people don't take me seriously at all. Sure, I make myself out to be a joke all the time, but I can't help it. I want others to feel happy like I do, so I try to make myself to be funny, since in my childhood nobody paid attention to me. My relatives have always invalidated my feelings, so now when I try to actually express anger, or I'm actually upset, nobody takes me seriously at all. I don't know how to express my feelings well, and that is a very big factor in why I cannot show properly my anger. So when I do show emotions people tend to not take me seriously as I always am making jokes, and they are only used to the regular me.

Today, an old friend of mine whom I share 2 of my gacha game accounts with messaged me. When we were talking they kept being mean to me. I, of course, understand that they were making jokes about me, but it still upsets me because I obviously don't want people to say bad things to me, since I treat others with respect and kindness. I tried giving them hints that I didn't like it so we wouldn't have to make a big conflict out of it (I don't have energy to deal with this kind of stuff). My friend didn't understand, and kept going. Ugh, I should talk to them about it the next time they message me, too tired for this bullshiii



I hate how I always feel superior to others despite how deeply insecure I am. I'm not the most talented nor good person. Still, I, for some reason, can't get rid of this feeling of superiority. I'm not anything special. I want to be a role model for everyone. As example, even though nobody even notices me, I still wish for it. I constantly judge other people in my head even though I'm not any better. Can't help it. I always try to keep my mouth shut even though I HAVE something to say, whether it's to criticize someone or something. I do not want to appear like a fool. What if I turn out to be wrong about this one situation even though I am confident that I'm right? I have a belief that everyone should adapt to my ideals, and I shouldn't, even though no one should be forced into my needs. I feel frustrated with myself or others when I cannot fix a mistake made by me or someone else. It irritates me. I find EXTREME pleasure when I can point out a mistake in someone's work, etc.

My self-worth is unstable. I wish that I could understand myself better.



I cannot escape from myself. If you feel bad for me, don't, I'm not the best person either. In the past, I used to make fun of my ex friend in private with my friend group. "Why?" you might ask. It's simple. My old friend showed evidence of them sending inappropriate voice messages and images to her. Everyone in my friend group began to take sides with my old friend and started bullying the ex-friend. As immature as I am, I joined in thinking nothing of it. That wasn't right of me either. At the end of the situation, I apologized for my actions sincerely and moved on. I wished I hadn't done any of that as I got threats towards myself and it brought nothing good. I am not a good person. Hate me all you want



2024 was my worst year ever. I honestly didn't even wanna talk about it, but It's important to share your worries, right? My brain has been trying to hide this whole piece of memory somewhere far behind in my frontal lobe, even thinking about 2024 makes me uneasy. I'm gonna keep it as short as I can. Earlier that year I had found a new friend on tiktok as I started making some satire videos about a certain fandom. She met another girl, and three of us became friends together. After some time first friend created a discord server where it all went downhill. First was pretty popular in that fandom, so of course a discord server .. A drama started on the first month of summer break. First girl accused second of cheating on her, they never dated. She had accused her infront of the whole server. Days later accused me of being Second's spy, then my other friend too. First had been talking behind my back, saying I am a fake friend for standing up for what I thought was right, leaving First all alone. I was there for her throughout the whole time, why didn't you say anything?

I still remember breaking down infront of my laptop because I was shocked, I didn't expect First to turn her back on me and accuse me like that. She said I was a spy yet showed no proof of it, so how am I one if there's no evidence?! This drama has been carved into my skull, I will never forget how cold she was towards me. Was I not your friend?



Never forgetting the days when my homeroom teacher kept making comments of my appearance when I was at my lowest. She sent me to the school's therapist even when I told her I didn't need help, at least not from a therapist. The teacher never listened to anything i had said, as if I wasn't talking at all. When I started skipping literature lessons, going to the nurse to get a pass so I could go home, she started calling me to her classroom to shame me. "Why is your hair so greasy?", "Why is your hair so messy?", "Do you even wash your hair?", "Why are you so quiet?", "Why do you skip your lessons?", "You are a failure". Why?



and while it's a dread for me to drag myself to school every single day

i'm only ever seen as "lazy" for not wanting to go

as if it's not obvious enough that i'm struggling to just keep up with life